dvd possession

i am a writer.  i am supposed to working on plays and songs and stories and novels.  not chronicling temporary insanity.  when i started writing eons ago it was to maintain my sanity.  is this progress or not? today topped previous days.  one tiny body carries so much anger and frustration. boxes, pots, chairs, toys, movies, bottles all go flying in a three hour rampage. i deflect and move and maneuver.  at the end of three hours there is an hour of calm when the adult she craves takes her.  however, one bag of chocolate eaten during that hour fuels the storm.  another hour before the sugar crash occurs and sleep takes over - right there!  right here!  a spent child slumbers on the floor.  an hour and a half where i return a semblance of order to the chaos and then we start again. eventually, the dvd player works - it is a possessed machine - working only when it wants to and never exactly when we want it to.  i wonder about the girl in Stephen King's Firestarter book, where fires erupt and machines work or don't work.  a movie's length of peace arrives. and then human help.  ah! i am unable to communicate, converse, smile, chit-chat.  i sit in the leather chair even though it is the one that makes my back ache and glare at other's attempts at normal conversation.  another adult arrives and puts her pajama-ed body in a stroller and walks her quietly around the lake for an hour or so. she doesn't fall asleep but is quiet and sleeps eventually.  i see the posts on facebook - happy wishes for mother's day and all i feel is resentment. folks who know me say, this will pass.  i remember a woman artist, who left her adult children and grandchildren in another city and moved here; saying, they would have eaten me alive if i had stayed.  i remember a number of years ago, the ten year old grandchild was a year old - i searched the internet looking for homestead land around the world and found it in Bolivia.  i contemplated moving there and spending my remaining years in bolivian forests.  i have joked about moving to a different country but it would have to be a third world country, with limited resource that no adult child would want to follow me to. i am searching my brain for one piece of humor to add to this chronicle - it is a desert for sure. Except last night, when i yelled at the oldest grandchild and my friend who were making smoothies in the kitchen for a 10pm snack - they were laughing and having a grand old time, and i yelled, "Knock it off, you two can't be out in the kitchen having fun, these little one's will never go to sleep if you keep enjoying yourselves."   yep, that's what i said.